Have you ever had those moments, where you feel like you are living someone else's life? Or that you are waiting to wake up and find that everything you have been living has really just been one big dream? I feel like parts of my life are on repeat... Like the same exact thing keeps happening, just with different people. And everyone says that I have to catch a break sometime, but it never seems to come. It's like I'm supposed to be taught this lesson from it all, but its a lesson I just never understand. Kinda like you always do the same thing over and over and get the same results. I don't really know... I just dont get it.
So I have decided that I am currently going to just give up on guys. I am to the point that I dont even know what to do anymore. Lately I feel like I am just so mentally drained that it is an effort just to wrap the tiny bit of brain power I have left around praying. And that terrifies me. How in the world do you get to a point in life where the process of pray is too much effort?? Its like I go through waves, where it is good and life is good and then I lose touch and lose focus on making it all about God and before I know it, I haven't prayed in days and things just seem to struggle. I want so badly to engulf my life with everything Godly, but some days I just get soo busy that I never make time and that makes my heart break a little thinking about it. I just wish that at least one of my friends understood the importance of God better, the way that I know it is, so that I could always go to them about it. Have the right kind of back up and reinforcement when times get tough.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
My Epiphany (Yay for big words! Lol)
I've had a realization the other day, a coming to terms I suppose you could call it. Something that I almost believe I should post next to my bed, on my bathroom wall, or in my car, so that it is a constant, daily reminder.
I am going to be amazing at whatever it is I decide to do in life.
I'm going to take it on with all of my heart, mind, body, n soul.
I'm going to succeed and be happy with whatever I am given and whatever path I am pointed down...
Because it will be the path that the Lord has helped me choose. And all I receive will be through the Lord.
Though ending up happy isn't really what concerns me most. I've learned many ways over the years to be happy with all that I have. I'm more concerned with knowing that the path I'm going down is really the one that God wants me on.
I am going to be amazing at whatever it is I decide to do in life.
I'm going to take it on with all of my heart, mind, body, n soul.
I'm going to succeed and be happy with whatever I am given and whatever path I am pointed down...
Because it will be the path that the Lord has helped me choose. And all I receive will be through the Lord.
Though ending up happy isn't really what concerns me most. I've learned many ways over the years to be happy with all that I have. I'm more concerned with knowing that the path I'm going down is really the one that God wants me on.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I have been an INCREDIBLE slacker when it comes to posts, but I just feel like I have had NO time to do Anything lately. Except work, school, and studying. I volunteered to go grocery shopping the other day so that I could get out of the house and take a break from studying! Ha ha, that sounds SOO pathetic!
Lets see,
April 20th, Tom n I broke up.
April 21st, I started my second job at GKWG.
May 19th, Summer Semester Started.
May 21st, Daddy had Open Heart Surgery.
May 25th, Kelli left for Beechpoint for the summer.
May 26th, Daddy came home from UofM.
I think that those have been all of the important events so far... I have just been juggling working at BRU and GKWG on top of class 3 days a week n spending time with friends when I can. Thats purdy much all I have been up to the last month. Oh, n helping take care of daddy of course! :o )
I will try better to keep up with my posts... I have about 3 started as drafts that I just never could sit long enough to finish. Lol
Lets see,
April 20th, Tom n I broke up.
April 21st, I started my second job at GKWG.
May 19th, Summer Semester Started.
May 21st, Daddy had Open Heart Surgery.
May 25th, Kelli left for Beechpoint for the summer.
May 26th, Daddy came home from UofM.
I think that those have been all of the important events so far... I have just been juggling working at BRU and GKWG on top of class 3 days a week n spending time with friends when I can. Thats purdy much all I have been up to the last month. Oh, n helping take care of daddy of course! :o )
I will try better to keep up with my posts... I have about 3 started as drafts that I just never could sit long enough to finish. Lol
Thursday, May 14, 2009
What A Mess!!
Lately, I feel as though I am losing my mind. Slowly but surely, little by little, I keep forgetting things or can't focus on one single thing or just feel like I am insanely overwhelmed with life.
I had been told that my Summer classes started May 14th. So with the 14th being a Wed and all, I assumed that today would be the first day for my Thurs n Friday classes.
I woke up this morning already feeling flustered and purdy anxious about the day (for no reason). Got around, ate a lil something and drove 45min out to class mad at myself because I kept thinking I was going to be late.
After arriving at KVCC (with plenty of time, of course) I got my last few things together in the car and walked in to find that my classroom was locked, lights off, and empty. Becoming a little concerned that I was going to miss my first day of Chemistry, I called Kelli (my sister) to make sure I had gotten the room number correct. And it was, so I then began to panic thinking that it had been canceled or changed and I had not been informed of it for some weird reason.
Well my navigation was correct, but apparently my reading skills are not...
After a minute or so on the phone with my sister, we discovered that all my classes didn't actually start until the 18th of May. At this point I went from panic to frustration because I had wasted the gas to drive all the way out to KVCC just to turn around and have to come home. And very shortly after frustration, I was over come with an IMMENSE sense of Stupidity.
So to try n cheer myself up, I stopped by Steak N Shake on the way home n got a Strawberry n Chocolate shake. Because using food to soothe the hurt, generally makes life a lil better... Am I right??
I have been having minor panic attacks over Stupid lil things. Like making small routines for my gymnastics girls to preform at their Spring Show. Or what if I am not teachin them enough to move them on to the next level? Those would have to be my two favorites!
Its weird though, lately I have been looking at things one week in advance. For example on Monday I will look at and plan out/remind my self where I have to be each day and at what time for the whole week. But in doing so, it has gotten to the point where I am tell myself that if I can just make it through these certain days (which is generally any day I work or have school), then I have this day completely off and I can use it however I would like. I feel like I am just going through the steps of life, not actually living it out.
I'm sure that I am not the only person who tells themselves those things and forces themselves through certain days, it just seems like every day is a forced day unless I have nothing else going on and then all I do is sit around doing a whole lot of nothing because I just dont have it in me to do anything....
Lately, I barely sleep (Even when I am exhausted), I barely eat (even if I am starvin), I barely concentrate on something for more than two min (even if its something I want to do) and I just don't like it. But I am at a loss as to how I am supposed to get out of it. I am getting discouraged even in my own self.
What A MESS!! I mean I am sure that a lot of it is just stress. In the last 3 wks, my boyfriend and I have broken up, I have started a second job, lost A LOT of hours at my old one, ended a semester of school, gotten ready to start a new one, and my father is having surgery [exactly] one week from today. Yea, I guess that could have something to do with it.
I am just Terrified that I'm going to wake up one day just to realize I have given up on myself... And then how am I supposed to get anywhere??
I had been told that my Summer classes started May 14th. So with the 14th being a Wed and all, I assumed that today would be the first day for my Thurs n Friday classes.
I woke up this morning already feeling flustered and purdy anxious about the day (for no reason). Got around, ate a lil something and drove 45min out to class mad at myself because I kept thinking I was going to be late.
After arriving at KVCC (with plenty of time, of course) I got my last few things together in the car and walked in to find that my classroom was locked, lights off, and empty. Becoming a little concerned that I was going to miss my first day of Chemistry, I called Kelli (my sister) to make sure I had gotten the room number correct. And it was, so I then began to panic thinking that it had been canceled or changed and I had not been informed of it for some weird reason.
Well my navigation was correct, but apparently my reading skills are not...
After a minute or so on the phone with my sister, we discovered that all my classes didn't actually start until the 18th of May. At this point I went from panic to frustration because I had wasted the gas to drive all the way out to KVCC just to turn around and have to come home. And very shortly after frustration, I was over come with an IMMENSE sense of Stupidity.
So to try n cheer myself up, I stopped by Steak N Shake on the way home n got a Strawberry n Chocolate shake. Because using food to soothe the hurt, generally makes life a lil better... Am I right??
I have been having minor panic attacks over Stupid lil things. Like making small routines for my gymnastics girls to preform at their Spring Show. Or what if I am not teachin them enough to move them on to the next level? Those would have to be my two favorites!
Its weird though, lately I have been looking at things one week in advance. For example on Monday I will look at and plan out/remind my self where I have to be each day and at what time for the whole week. But in doing so, it has gotten to the point where I am tell myself that if I can just make it through these certain days (which is generally any day I work or have school), then I have this day completely off and I can use it however I would like. I feel like I am just going through the steps of life, not actually living it out.
I'm sure that I am not the only person who tells themselves those things and forces themselves through certain days, it just seems like every day is a forced day unless I have nothing else going on and then all I do is sit around doing a whole lot of nothing because I just dont have it in me to do anything....
Lately, I barely sleep (Even when I am exhausted), I barely eat (even if I am starvin), I barely concentrate on something for more than two min (even if its something I want to do) and I just don't like it. But I am at a loss as to how I am supposed to get out of it. I am getting discouraged even in my own self.
What A MESS!! I mean I am sure that a lot of it is just stress. In the last 3 wks, my boyfriend and I have broken up, I have started a second job, lost A LOT of hours at my old one, ended a semester of school, gotten ready to start a new one, and my father is having surgery [exactly] one week from today. Yea, I guess that could have something to do with it.
I am just Terrified that I'm going to wake up one day just to realize I have given up on myself... And then how am I supposed to get anywhere??
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I Can Sleep A Lil Easier Tonight...
A bunch of random thoughts I had to get out in the open but didn't really know how. So... Here they are. [I tried to throw some funny random ones in there so my thoughts didn't seem so depressin.]
Can’t stop worryin about her daddy…
Needs more reliable friends
If you’re going down the wrong road, no matter how far you’ve gone… Still turn around.
Never thought her heart could hurt this badly… Again.
Any pain can be glazed over by a country song.
Has enough crappy people in her life, she doesn’t need to add anymore to the mix.
Would like all her anger issues to just disappear.
Misses playin with Matchbox Cars… Oh those were the days.
Depression is a place I don’t enjoy being && would prefer not go to, but it looks like the next stop on my route unless I find a detour.
Would like to finally find the one person who will stick by her side no matter what...
Misses havin a baby around almost 24/7
Stop askin why I’m actin like my goldfish died, when you were the one who killed it! I will never stop blaming you for certain things… Sorry.
I Think your Tractors SEXY...!
Wishes they made UNLOVE buttons.
Would LOVE a bottle of Jack Daniels right now.
Guesses we’re EVEN now…
Wants a Hound Dog so she isn’t alone anymore…
We were best friends... Now we don't even talk.
Despises Cryin...!
Guarding her heart Very carefully... Every time her guard is down, she gets walked all over.
“There is no conceivable situation which it is not safe to trust God.”
Needs a Road trip… TERRIBLY BAD!
Found that if you don't have any expectations to begin with, then you can't ever be let down.
It’s all about defying the odds. Make friends with your misfortunes otherwise you’ll always be angry.
Needs her farm!!
Has been silently begging for someone to come along && save her for so long, only to start realizing, no one ever will. Like everything else in life, she has to do it herself.
Can’t stop worryin about her daddy…
Needs more reliable friends
If you’re going down the wrong road, no matter how far you’ve gone… Still turn around.
Never thought her heart could hurt this badly… Again.
Any pain can be glazed over by a country song.
Has enough crappy people in her life, she doesn’t need to add anymore to the mix.
Would like all her anger issues to just disappear.
Misses playin with Matchbox Cars… Oh those were the days.
Depression is a place I don’t enjoy being && would prefer not go to, but it looks like the next stop on my route unless I find a detour.
Would like to finally find the one person who will stick by her side no matter what...
Misses havin a baby around almost 24/7
Stop askin why I’m actin like my goldfish died, when you were the one who killed it! I will never stop blaming you for certain things… Sorry.
I Think your Tractors SEXY...!
Wishes they made UNLOVE buttons.
Would LOVE a bottle of Jack Daniels right now.
Guesses we’re EVEN now…
Wants a Hound Dog so she isn’t alone anymore…
We were best friends... Now we don't even talk.
Despises Cryin...!
Guarding her heart Very carefully... Every time her guard is down, she gets walked all over.
“There is no conceivable situation which it is not safe to trust God.”
Needs a Road trip… TERRIBLY BAD!
Found that if you don't have any expectations to begin with, then you can't ever be let down.
It’s all about defying the odds. Make friends with your misfortunes otherwise you’ll always be angry.
Needs her farm!!
Has been silently begging for someone to come along && save her for so long, only to start realizing, no one ever will. Like everything else in life, she has to do it herself.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
My Life Song
So I found this song tonight, && figured if ever there was a song that was written for me, this would be it. I would have to say that it is my life song... && I highlighted my favorite part/the part that spoke to me most in Pink :o )
Stubborn (Psalms 151) - Lee Ann Womack
There's a whole lot of stubborn in this room
There's a whole lot of pride that won't let go
There's a whole lot of stubborn in this room
That shows no sign of giving up control
I've drawn all the curtains
I've turned out all the lights
Scared to death somebody else might see
There's a whole lot of stubborn in this room
And there's no one here but me
There's a whole lot of demons in this room
They want it all, and they don't wanna share
There's a whole lot of demons in this room
And none of them believe in fighting fair
Some sit on my left
Some sit on my right
They talk so loud it's hard to disagree
I'm surrounded by the demons in this room
And there's no one here but me
And I can't quite remember how to pray anymore
I can't quite remember what to say anymore
If it turns out that I can't have my way anymore
How will I know which way to turn, when I walk out the door?
There's a molecule of faith in this room
What they used to call the mustard seed
There's a molecule of faith in this room
And a book that says that's all I'll ever need
I don't know where it is, but I hope I find it soon
Cause nothing else will ever set me free
There's a molecule of faith in this room
And even though it's much too small to see,
If I have the courage to believe
I'll find the one who left it here for me
Stubborn (Psalms 151) - Lee Ann Womack
There's a whole lot of stubborn in this room
There's a whole lot of pride that won't let go
There's a whole lot of stubborn in this room
That shows no sign of giving up control
I've drawn all the curtains
I've turned out all the lights
Scared to death somebody else might see
There's a whole lot of stubborn in this room
And there's no one here but me
There's a whole lot of demons in this room
They want it all, and they don't wanna share
There's a whole lot of demons in this room
And none of them believe in fighting fair
Some sit on my left
Some sit on my right
They talk so loud it's hard to disagree
I'm surrounded by the demons in this room
And there's no one here but me
And I can't quite remember how to pray anymore
I can't quite remember what to say anymore
If it turns out that I can't have my way anymore
How will I know which way to turn, when I walk out the door?
There's a molecule of faith in this room
What they used to call the mustard seed
There's a molecule of faith in this room
And a book that says that's all I'll ever need
I don't know where it is, but I hope I find it soon
Cause nothing else will ever set me free
There's a molecule of faith in this room
And even though it's much too small to see,
If I have the courage to believe
I'll find the one who left it here for me
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mysterious Works of God
So Monday night my boyfriend and I decided that it would be best to take a break so that we can both figure everything out in our lives... I would be lying if I said that I was remotly close to being ok. I have been heartbroken since that night even though I know it is what's best for the both of us.
After having just settled down from having a Very long day of EVERYTHING triggering me into an emotional breakdown of tears and sobs, I had decided to check Myspace and found a Message in my inbox from someone by the name of Ang.
This is what it read:
"I know this is completely random but you are on my friends list and I often see your status when I log in to Myspace... I too believe in God and something (quite possibly Him) compelled me to write you. I've been hurt quite badly by a few guys and sometimes what your status says makes me think that you have been as well. I just wanted to say, keep your head up and never forget that God's love is truly all that matters in the end, you are a beautiful, wonderful person to Him; don't let anybody make you think otherwise! =)"
I bursted into tears (again) after reading this... It was like she new exactly what to say to make me feel like things were not completely falling apart. && It made me realize how God is not only working in my life, but is really working in the lives of others. What an amazing thing to experience.
After having just settled down from having a Very long day of EVERYTHING triggering me into an emotional breakdown of tears and sobs, I had decided to check Myspace and found a Message in my inbox from someone by the name of Ang.
This is what it read:
"I know this is completely random but you are on my friends list and I often see your status when I log in to Myspace... I too believe in God and something (quite possibly Him) compelled me to write you. I've been hurt quite badly by a few guys and sometimes what your status says makes me think that you have been as well. I just wanted to say, keep your head up and never forget that God's love is truly all that matters in the end, you are a beautiful, wonderful person to Him; don't let anybody make you think otherwise! =)"
I bursted into tears (again) after reading this... It was like she new exactly what to say to make me feel like things were not completely falling apart. && It made me realize how God is not only working in my life, but is really working in the lives of others. What an amazing thing to experience.
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