Learning To Live

Voice Overs

2010-02-14T19:20:00.000-08:00

Ok... So I am going to try to blog more often in the hopes that getting this all out will be somewhat therapeutic to me.

I will be completely honest in saying that sometimes as I am going through my day, I find myself kind of doing a voice over in my head as if my life were a tv show. For instance, I went to what we will call a Family Reunion this past weekend at Holiday Inn. And as I was walking down the stairs to leave at the end of the weekend, I heard...

"It was the strangest feeling leaving Holiday Inn with just my parents. I've felt before like an only child when my sisters first moved away to college. But never have I been to a family event as the only 'representative' of my family."

I know, I'm probably really weird for thinking like that, but I don't know, sometimes it helps to feel as though I've moved out of myself for a moment in time and to kind of step back and view life from a distance is kind of a nice feeling.

I do not like this week, I would like a redo...

2009-12-10T09:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had those moments, where you feel like you are living someone else's life? Or that you are waiting to wake up and find that everything you have been living has really just been one big dream? I feel like parts of my life are on repeat... Like the same exact thing keeps happening, just with different people. And everyone says that I have to catch a break sometime, but it never seems to come. It's like I'm supposed to be taught this lesson from it all, but its a lesson I just never understand. Kinda like you always do the same thing over and over and get the same results. I don't really know... I just dont get it.
So I have decided that I am currently going to just give up on guys. I am to the point that I dont even know what to do anymore. Lately I feel like I am just so mentally drained that it is an effort just to wrap the tiny bit of brain power I have left around praying. And that terrifies me. How in the world do you get to a point in life where the process of pray is too much effort?? Its like I go through waves, where it is good and life is good and then I lose touch and lose focus on making it all about God and before I know it, I haven't prayed in days and things just seem to struggle. I want so badly to engulf my life with everything Godly, but some days I just get soo busy that I never make time and that makes my heart break a little thinking about it. I just wish that at least one of my friends understood the importance of God better, the way that I know it is, so that I could always go to them about it. Have the right kind of back up and reinforcement when times get tough.

My Epiphany (Yay for big words! Lol)

2009-11-05T05:38:00.000-08:00

I've had a realization the other day, a coming to terms I suppose you could call it. Something that I almost believe I should post next to my bed, on my bathroom wall, or in my car, so that it is a constant, daily reminder.

I am going to be amazing at whatever it is I decide to do in life.
I'm going to take it on with all of my heart, mind, body, n soul.
I'm going to succeed and be happy with whatever I am given and whatever path I am pointed down...
Because it will be the path that the Lord has helped me choose. And all I receive will be through the Lord.

Though ending up happy isn't really what concerns me most. I've learned many ways over the years to be happy with all that I have. I'm more concerned with knowing that the path I'm going down is really the one that God wants me on.

2009-06-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

I have been an INCREDIBLE slacker when it comes to posts, but I just feel like I have had NO time to do Anything lately. Except work, school, and studying. I volunteered to go grocery shopping the other day so that I could get out of the house and take a break from studying! Ha ha, that sounds SOO pathetic!

Lets see,

April 20th, Tom n I broke up.

April 21st, I started my second job at GKWG.

May 19th, Summer Semester Started.

May 21st, Daddy had Open Heart Surgery.

May 25th, Kelli left for Beechpoint for the summer.

May 26th, Daddy came home from UofM.

I think that those have been all of the important events so far... I have just been juggling working at BRU and GKWG on top of class 3 days a week n spending time with friends when I can. Thats purdy much all I have been up to the last month. Oh, n helping take care of daddy of course! :o )

I will try better to keep up with my posts... I have about 3 started as drafts that I just never could sit long enough to finish. Lol

What A Mess!!

2009-05-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

Lately, I feel as though I am losing my mind. Slowly but surely, little by little, I keep forgetting things or can't focus on one single thing or just feel like I am insanely overwhelmed with life.

I had been told that my Summer classes started May 14th. So with the 14th being a Wed and all, I assumed that today would be the first day for my Thurs n Friday classes.
I woke up this morning already feeling flustered and purdy anxious about the day (for no reason). Got around, ate a lil something and drove 45min out to class mad at myself because I kept thinking I was going to be late.

After arriving at KVCC (with plenty of time, of course) I got my last few things together in the car and walked in to find that my classroom was locked, lights off, and empty. Becoming a little concerned that I was going to miss my first day of Chemistry, I called Kelli (my sister) to make sure I had gotten the room number correct. And it was, so I then began to panic thinking that it had been canceled or changed and I had not been informed of it for some weird reason.

Well my navigation was correct, but apparently my reading skills are not...
After a minute or so on the phone with my sister, we discovered that all my classes didn't actually start until the 18th of May. At this point I went from panic to frustration because I had wasted the gas to drive all the way out to KVCC just to turn around and have to come home. And very shortly after frustration, I was over come with an IMMENSE sense of Stupidity.

So to try n cheer myself up, I stopped by Steak N Shake on the way home n got a Strawberry n Chocolate shake. Because using food to soothe the hurt, generally makes life a lil better... Am I right??

I have been having minor panic attacks over Stupid lil things. Like making small routines for my gymnastics girls to preform at their Spring Show. Or what if I am not teachin them enough to move them on to the next level? Those would have to be my two favorites!

Its weird though, lately I have been looking at things one week in advance. For example on Monday I will look at and plan out/remind my self where I have to be each day and at what time for the whole week. But in doing so, it has gotten to the point where I am tell myself that if I can just make it through these certain days (which is generally any day I work or have school), then I have this day completely off and I can use it however I would like. I feel like I am just going through the steps of life, not actually living it out.

I'm sure that I am not the only person who tells themselves those things and forces themselves through certain days, it just seems like every day is a forced day unless I have nothing else going on and then all I do is sit around doing a whole lot of nothing because I just dont have it in me to do anything....

Lately, I barely sleep (Even when I am exhausted), I barely eat (even if I am starvin), I barely concentrate on something for more than two min (even if its something I want to do) and I just don't like it. But I am at a loss as to how I am supposed to get out of it. I am getting discouraged even in my own self.
What A MESS!! I mean I am sure that a lot of it is just stress. In the last 3 wks, my boyfriend and I have broken up, I have started a second job, lost A LOT of hours at my old one, ended a semester of school, gotten ready to start a new one, and my father is having surgery [exactly] one week from today. Yea, I guess that could have something to do with it.

I am just Terrified that I'm going to wake up one day just to realize I have given up on myself... And then how am I supposed to get anywhere??

I Can Sleep A Lil Easier Tonight...

2009-05-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

A bunch of random thoughts I had to get out in the open but didn't really know how. So... Here they are. [I tried to throw some funny random ones in there so my thoughts didn't seem so depressin.]

Can’t stop worryin about her daddy…

Needs more reliable friends

If you’re going down the wrong road, no matter how far you’ve gone… Still turn around.

Never thought her heart could hurt this badly… Again.

Any pain can be glazed over by a country song.

Has enough crappy people in her life, she doesn’t need to add anymore to the mix.

Would like all her anger issues to just disappear.

Misses playin with Matchbox Cars… Oh those were the days.

Depression is a place I don’t enjoy being && would prefer not go to, but it looks like the next stop on my route unless I find a detour.

Would like to finally find the one person who will stick by her side no matter what...

Misses havin a baby around almost 24/7

Stop askin why I’m actin like my goldfish died, when you were the one who killed it! I will never stop blaming you for certain things… Sorry.

I Think your Tractors SEXY...!

Wishes they made UNLOVE buttons.

Would LOVE a bottle of Jack Daniels right now.

Guesses we’re EVEN now…

Wants a Hound Dog so she isn’t alone anymore…

We were best friends... Now we don't even talk.

Despises Cryin...!

Guarding her heart Very carefully... Every time her guard is down, she gets walked all over.

“There is no conceivable situation which it is not safe to trust God.”

Needs a Road trip… TERRIBLY BAD!

Found that if you don't have any expectations to begin with, then you can't ever be let down.

It’s all about defying the odds. Make friends with your misfortunes otherwise you’ll always be angry.

Needs her farm!!

Has been silently begging for someone to come along && save her for so long, only to start realizing, no one ever will. Like everything else in life, she has to do it herself.

My Life Song

2009-04-25T22:11:00.000-07:00

So I found this song tonight, && figured if ever there was a song that was written for me, this would be it. I would have to say that it is my life song... && I highlighted my favorite part/the part that spoke to me most in Pink :o )

Stubborn (Psalms 151) - Lee Ann Womack

There's a whole lot of stubborn in this room
There's a whole lot of pride that won't let go
There's a whole lot of stubborn in this room
That shows no sign of giving up control
I've drawn all the curtains
I've turned out all the lights
Scared to death somebody else might see
There's a whole lot of stubborn in this room
And there's no one here but me

There's a whole lot of demons in this room
They want it all, and they don't wanna share
There's a whole lot of demons in this room
And none of them believe in fighting fair
Some sit on my left
Some sit on my right
They talk so loud it's hard to disagree
I'm surrounded by the demons in this room
And there's no one here but me

And I can't quite remember how to pray anymore
I can't quite remember what to say anymore
If it turns out that I can't have my way anymore
How will I know which way to turn, when I walk out the door?

There's a molecule of faith in this room
What they used to call the mustard seed
There's a molecule of faith in this room
And a book that says that's all I'll ever need
I don't know where it is, but I hope I find it soon
Cause nothing else will ever set me free
There's a molecule of faith in this room
And even though it's much too small to see,
If I have the courage to believe
I'll find the one who left it here for me

Mysterious Works of God

2009-04-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

So Monday night my boyfriend and I decided that it would be best to take a break so that we can both figure everything out in our lives... I would be lying if I said that I was remotly close to being ok. I have been heartbroken since that night even though I know it is what's best for the both of us.
After having just settled down from having a Very long day of EVERYTHING triggering me into an emotional breakdown of tears and sobs, I had decided to check Myspace and found a Message in my inbox from someone by the name of Ang.

This is what it read:

"I know this is completely random but you are on my friends list and I often see your status when I log in to Myspace... I too believe in God and something (quite possibly Him) compelled me to write you. I've been hurt quite badly by a few guys and sometimes what your status says makes me think that you have been as well. I just wanted to say, keep your head up and never forget that God's love is truly all that matters in the end, you are a beautiful, wonderful person to Him; don't let anybody make you think otherwise! =)"

I bursted into tears (again) after reading this... It was like she new exactly what to say to make me feel like things were not completely falling apart. && It made me realize how God is not only working in my life, but is really working in the lives of others. What an amazing thing to experience.

Listening Ears

2009-04-19T19:10:00.000-07:00

I have been having issues lately when it comes to using my Listening Ears with God. Whenever I think about this, I always have the same scene play over and over in my mind. Standing in my sisters kitchen and hearing her ask my nephew if he has his listening ears turned on. Then watching him turn both of his ears on for the day so that he can be a good listener.

It makes me giggle to think about... But I wonder if that is exactly how God feels. Like a parent telling a young child to please turn on their listening ears so that we can hear him better and follow him in the right direction.

I have been having the hardest time trying to figure out what it is that God wants of me... I have gotten myself into quite the predicament. In love with a boy who really isn't going anywhere with himself, when I am trying to go everywhere. Yet I can't let go of him.
I hate to admit it, but I have every reason to Not be with him, yet come up with every excuse to stay. I'm not sure if God is telling what I just don't want to hear, or if I am doing exactly what he wants and waiting it out.

I wish God would just print things out in Large Neon Flashing Signs... I mean I know that no matter what I do, it's going to be hard and hurt. I just want to know that the decision I make is what God wants me to be doing.

These Days...

2009-04-13T04:29:00.000-07:00

It is now 7:30am on a Monday morning and I am sitting in the living for a few reasons...
Reason 1: I had to get up at 6:50am to make sure I could get into the fall classes that I needed. And now I just don't feel like going back to bed.
Reason 2: Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) is playing on my computer, and who could fall asleep during that?
Reason 3: As I type, my mama n daddy are getting around to go up to Ann Arbor to meet with the surgeon who is going to preform Open Heart Surgery.

I barely slept last night between nightmares of not making it into ANY classes when I tried to schedule for the fall, to tossing and turning over the visions of my daddy's surgery.
The thought that crossed my head time and time again last night, was when is it going to get easier...?
I know that things get easier and are easier when I am seeking God. But things seem to either be at a stand still, playing the waiting game, or just spiraling downward when they decided to continue on. I have been trying when I feel overwhelmed and flustered between everything, to read my bible, or just pray. But at this moment in time I feel as though I am at the bottom of a dirt well and it has just rained.
The water is rising up from the bottom but the sides are too slippery to climb out to the top and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get anywhere. And at this point, I am just at a loss as of what to do anymore.

- Lord Help me to seek you at all times, in everything I do. And with all my heart so that I can fill the emptiness with your light. -

Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) : Chris Tomlin

2009-04-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

Amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

My chains are gone, I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God who called me here below
Will be forever mine, will be forever mine
You are forever mine

Katie's Song - Darryl Worley

2009-03-23T18:55:00.000-07:00

Do I really have to go now?
Is it really time to leave?
Hey, I just got the hang of this,
Are you sure you wanted me?

You're the hand that calmed the waters,
And I know you know what's best.
I don't want to sound ungrateful Father,
Could I make this one request...?

If you're gunna take me home early,
Can I come back now and then.
Can I look in on the ones I love,
Can I just watch over them.
I don't want to doubt your wisdom,
I know you know everything.
But if you're gunna take me home early,
Give me wings.

I don't need a halo,
Or a mansion on the hill.
I'll stay right here by your side,
If that's your will.

But there's people down here strugglin' Lord,
All my family and friends.
It might make their load easier,
If they could feel me in the wind.

If you're gunna take me home early,
Can I come back now and then.
Can I look in on the ones I love,
Can I just watch over them.
I don't want to doubt your wisdom,
I know you know everything.
But if you're gunna take me home early,
Give me wings.

Don't send a perfect stranger Lord,
When you could be sending me.
If you take me home early,
Give me wings.
If you're gunna take me home early,
Give me wings.

[A Soldiers Poem]

2009-02-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.
He stays up for days on end.

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.

You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.

You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.

Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.

You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told.

You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.

You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gunfire.

You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place because of men like him.
If only there were more men like him!

Lately I am missing my Army involvement. [If that makes any sense at all.] I don't know why my heart longs for it or why it hurts when it isn't there... But it does. I'm so confused lately as to what God wants me doing and where he wants me to end up.

There Is A Time && A Place For EVERYTHING

2009-01-31T19:58:00.000-08:00

At times, I struggle to see how it is "Fair" that others, who are younger than I, seem to be getting all of the things that I long for. I will not lie, there are times that I am mighty Jealous...

They get the relationships, the good jobs, the marriage.... the Kids. I get caught up in how it isn't fair and I don't understand any of it. And then, I take a second look...

The relationships that leave them empty, the co-workers that treat them like crap, the marriages that end in divorce and the children who are born out of wed lock. I realize that I don't want that to be my life and that is not what God has planned for me.

There is a right time for everything and if I leave it to God and His timing, I will be BLESSED beyond belief with the things that God has intended for me to receive. And receiving them will be even greater with the wait of God's blessing.

There is a right time for everything, and right now that time is to build up my relationship with God so that I have a firm foundation to rest upon. Spend the time preparing myself for the Amazing job that God will one day place into my life to fulfill the plans He has made for me. And learn to Love again so that I can be in the right position to have a Godly marriage and raise my children in a way that will be GLORIFYING to Him.

Lord, I know that these plans you have laid out for my life will be no walk in the park but tell me, what on this earth CANNOT be accomplished through you?? Lord you are good and I will Praise you at ALL times.

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1 -

The Nerve of Some People...!!!!

2009-01-30T07:17:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOODNESS!!!

I was on Facebook the other day looking at my old neighbor's profile, when I stumbled across a group called, Carol Sarler & Daily Mail should apologise to Autistic parents.
Of course, seeing this made me curious, so I went to it and there was a link to an Article that was published in the UK's Daily Mail by Carol Sarler titled: "Why Can't We Face the Truth? Having an Autistic Child Wrecks Your Life..."

The title alone begins to make my stomach uneasy, then I began to read...

The article was mainly about a friend of hers who had a child who was diagnosed with Severe Autism. She talked of how this child had ruined three generations because the parents and grandparents always had to stay home and take care of this child because no babysitter would want/could stay with him. His actions were described as inhuman and barbaric! Like she was talking about an animal that was just out of control! I was feeling a little worse at this point...

And then came the talk of screening children before they are born to see if there is a chance that they may have Autism. If that chance runs high, you could have the opportunity to ABORT them! Yes, GREAT IDEA.... NOT!!!
I am sorry, but I do not care if they told me that my child could possibly live only for a few minutes once they were born! It is MY child and they deserve the chance to LIVE! The chance to fight for life... How could you EVER stomach taking that away from them!?! Not to mention the fact that God works Miracles Every Day!

But as if that was not fabulous enough, she had the Audacity to finish the article by saying, and I quote:
"But looking on, as a relatively dispassionate observer; looking at the damage done, the absence of hope and the anguish of the poor child himself, do I think that everyone concerned would have been better off if Tom's had been a life unlived?

Unequivocally, yes."

I WAS SICK! Just Sick! I could barely take in what I had just read.

Sometimes I just Can NOT Believe the NERVE of some people! It just boils my blood how Heartless the world had become! I don't believe that there would ever be a reason to ABORT YOUR CHILD just because they may possibly have some sort of birth defect or mental disability that could hinder YOUR convenience! That is YOUR child, who is Part of YOU. With the help of God, You Created that child and it is NOT your place to decide how God wants him to turn out!

My old neighbor has a child who was diagnosed with Severe Autism when he was young, and he is now 24, graduated from High School and ENGAGED! He is doing AMAZING things with his life so I think that its a load of crap for someone to openly say that just because there is a CHANCE that your child may come out Autistic is a valid reason to NOT give them the chance at life! Not to mention the fact that signs of Autism don't begin to show until you are generally 2 yrs old! How in the would could they know that at birth? It is NOT a genetic disease!

It is very unfortunate that her friends family has lost so much hope, but that is NOT the average case. And even if it was, they are still Children, they are still scared and worried, especially if they feel that they cannot control Themselves.

Grow a heart, Get some compassion, and try caring a little!
God will Never give you more than you can handle and he will never put a life on this earth that he cannot use in some way to help another. He has a plan that you cannot see... I just don't get how it is so hard to be understanding of all this?

It seems like common sense to me...

*Lord, I ask that you open our hearts to the hardships of others. Help us to find compassion and give strength to those who may be struggling to find it in the current moment. For you are good and always have been!*

Here is the article in full for anyone who wishes to read it:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1116602/Why-face-truth-Having-autistic-child-wrecks-life-.html

Amos 5:6a

2009-01-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

So I was looking at the URL for my blog page so that I can post it somewhere to share it with friends and the WEIRDEST thing occurred to me. I had put something silly like Short Stuff in the slot, just to have something up there so that people could find my page. But while I was viewing my page, my URL read as: http://amos56.blogspot.com.

I will give you a minute to see if you can figure this one out on your own.... If you haven't figured it out yet, Amos 5:6a is my life verse... "Seek the Lord and Live".... I even have it tattooed on my wrist!

Sometimes God chooses the simplest ways to show his presence.

Random Work Of God

2009-01-18T12:29:00.000-08:00

"And If You Want To Hear God Laugh, Tell Him YOUR Plans"

Those are lyrics from my favorite Van Zant song, Help Somebody If You Can. (Yes, it's country... Of course!) I put that quote as my Facebook status the other day (of course I have a Facebook) and right away, one of my friends commented on it, telling me how God stepped in and spoke in their life. :o )
What is or could be more encouraging than to hear others speak of how God chooses to communicate?

And yet it is very funny sometimes to think about how I had always wished my life would turn out, how I thought I had it all planned out a certain way. Only to see that God has blessed me with the most amazing people through the big picture he has had planned out all along.

Ringing In A New Year

2009-01-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

I need new memories to replace the old because they are only ripping me apart.

I've decided for 2009 to:
Forget the past, it is nothing more than what was. What could have been means nothing anymore...
It's time to let go, remember how to be strong, Learn who you are, Love yourself enough to know when it is time to Move On, and time to Let Go.
Sometimes giving up is all that is left.
And MoSt of all... Learn to be satisfied with being Happy! :o )

Howdy!

2008-11-26T19:53:00.000-08:00

Hey Y'all!
The name is Molli Kate!
I started a blog, in all honestly, because EVERY ONE in my family has one! So I kinda felt a lil out of the loop, and slightly stalker like if I was always reading about their lives and they didn't have a clue as to what I was up to! Ha ha...
I am a down home country girl, who was born in the city! I LOVE Jesus & My Family! They are BY FAR the two most important things in my life... In that order too [sorry guys but y'all understand!]. Right now, I am going to school to be an electrician. Yup, you read that right! An Electrician & YES I AM A GIRL! Ha ha! I plan on sticking to this one HARD CORE [even though I've said that about most EVERY major I've decided so far] this on I believe is PERFECT for me! And also because of the fact that most of my friends [aka: all the Boys] seem to believe I am not capable of handling the task seeing as I am too little! My uncle would be included in that group of boys... He believes I should be a spokes model. Really!?! A DOG could do that job! So that gives me some REAL good motivation to make this happen and prove them ALL wrong! :o )